The New Defense Professor
by Bellatrix567
Summary: Cliche title, I know. Out of desperation to avoid Umbridge, Dumbledore chooses a new Defense teacher at random. She's eccentric, weird, ill-adjusted to human norms . . . in fact, she's not a witch at all. Nagini teaches Defense Against the Dark Arts.
1. Chapter 1

**I've been wanting to write this for a while . . . humor/slightly-crackfic, Severus/Nagini if you're looking for it. Enjoy!**

_Name: Martin_

_O.W.L. average: P_

_Skills: Kung Fu master and can memorize kids' songs in seconds._

Albus Dumbledore suppressed a sigh as he reached for another resume. There really was no one out there who was fit for the job; that, or Severus tossed in all these awful resumes to make his look good by comparison. What's more, he was now being monitored so closely by the Ministry there was no chance he could get away with someone like this Martin.

There was a sharp knock at the door. Dumbledore, knowing full well who it was, murmured, "Come in."

Sure enough, it was Severus Snape. Without preamble, he stepped forward and, producing a letter sealed by the Ministry of Magic from his robes, placed said letter on the desk. "Read it."

Dumbledore, who had raised his eyes to Severus and was trying to up the force of his twinkling, looked down at the envelope. Cracking open the seal, he pulled out the letter, scanned it, and swore. "MERLIN'S BALLSACK!" Ah, it was nice to be alone with someone he really trusted, Dumbledore thought. He didn't swear like that in front of most.

Severus snatched up the letter. "What is it?"

"Just read," Dumbledore waved a hand. Damned Ministry. The nerve of them, suggesting so many of their own - including _Lucius Malfoy_ - for the job of Defense teacher. And if he, Dumbledore, didn't find someone suitable for the job by - no, the date couldn't be tomorrow, could it? Then _they_ would supply someone for him.

"Well," Severus said wryly, "I don't recommend Lucius unless you plan for it to become a hair care class. Headmaster, don't you think . . .?"

"I have uses for you yet, Severus," Dumbledore said gravely. "And besides, how are our young wizards expected to survive if they can't brew a simple Pepperup potion?"

"That's a first year -"

"I said no," Dumbledore said. He turned back to the resumes. "Eenie, meenie, miney, moe . . ." Severus groaned.

"And the winner is . . ." Dumbledore paused, tried to decipher the handwriting. He couldn't. Severus snatched it away.

"Nagini Riddle."

"Nagini Riddle!" Dumbledore echoed triumphantly. Severus read the rest of the resume, suddenly looking panicky.

"No, headmaster, you can't just hire _Nagini!"_

**Yes, yes it does get stupider. I know it seems like it can't, but it will. Probably. I haven't actually written chapter two yet.**

**Review!**


	2. Chapter 2

**Random and senseless, as promised. Thank you to my awesome reviewers, ChangingbacktoBellamort500 and Qoheleth; you guys are awesome! Enjoy!**

The class of Gryffindor fifth years filed into the Defense Against the Dark Arts classroom, all wondering what exactly what this new teacher would be like. They had all seen her, sitting beside Professor Snape and holding the utensils with her feet more often than not; maybe not the best first impression. Now Professor Riddle was sitting atop her desk, sporting Muggle clothing and knee-high Slytherin socks and sipping tea.

"Welcome to Defense Against the Dark Arts," Professor Riddle announced, spreading her arms wide. "I'm Nagini, and when it's just us you're allowed to call me that; none of that Professor Riddle bullshit while we're in private, eh?" Unsure whether she was joking or not, the class remained silent.

"As you all know, Voldemort is back, his Death Eaters have returned, and because of this no one bothers to feed his snake anymore. Poor girl has to go out and hunt for herself."

Many had jumped at the mention of Voldemort's name. Now they glanced at one another, confused, as Nagini continued, "Today we're going to start with a little pop quiz. Don't worry, it's only 90% of your grade. You, boy - oooooh, you're Harry Potter! Awesome! Now pass these out."

Harry stood uncertainly and took the stack of papers Nagini pointed to. Still unsure what exactly he thought of this new professor, he began passing them out. She recognized Voldemort was back, yes, she even said his name . . . before going off in a completely random direction about the Dark Lord's snake. Harry finished passing out quizzes and returned to his desk.

"Start whenever you like," Nagini said. She leaned forward on the desk to peer creepily at everyone as they began looking over the quiz, which was several pages long.

_What is your name?_

_What is your quest?_

_Do you get the reference?_

_What is it I am referencing?_

_What is the square root of -1?_

_How long, in centimeters, is Lucius Malfoy's hair?_

_What type of conditioner does Lucius Malfoy use on his hair?_

_What type of conditioner does Severus Snape use?_

_What is the average cost of a month's worth of conditioner?_

_Be creative. List ten uses for tampons which don't include the original use._

And it went on. And on. And on.

Hermione raised her hand.

"Yes, Miss . . .?"

"Granger, Professor. What does this have to do with Defense Against the Dark Arts?"

"Why, everything," Nagini replied. "Which question are you on?"

"I've finished it, but Professor -"

"Good job! Ten points to Gryffindor for finishing it first!" Nagini then realized that she was teaching a class of only Gryffindors, so unless someone from another House just happened to pop in and take the quiz, it would be a Gryffindor who finished first regardless. "Well, ten points to Slytherin and the . . . other houses too, I guess."

"Yes, but Professor, none of these questions relate to defense against the dark arts," Hermione continued, unperturbed.

"Don't be stupid, of course they do," Nagini snapped. "See here, page five, question sixty-nine, is 'what are Inferi?' That relates to the Dark Arts, doesn't it?"

"Yes, but-"

"Yes, Mr. Weasley?" For Ron had raised his hand.

"Isn't this giving Draco Malfoy a huge advantage?" Ron asked. "I mean, half the questions are about Lucius Malfoy's hair."

"Trust me, Draco Malfoy needs all the help he can get," Nagini said. "But if you would like me to send owls to all your parents asking about their hair products . . .?" Ron hurriedly shook his head and returned to the quiz.

It took another ten minutes until everyone finally finished the last question (Where does the Dark Lord get his legs waxed?).

"Alright. I've been told you studied Dark creatures in third year, but unfortunately Barty Crouch was unable to tell me what you learned last year. Even if I had managed to get hold of him, Bella . . . er, Bella wouldn't have . . . anyway. Who can tell me what you did last year?" A few hands shot up. "You, weird-looking one in the back?"

"Seamus Finnigan," Seamus said sourly. "We did curses and how to defend against them."

"I see. Did you study the Unforgivables?" There was a general nod of assent. Nagini grinned. "The trick with the Cruciatus is to scream. If you don't, they'll just draw it out, and you won't be feeling so good about your bravery when Severus runs out of numbing potions. That was one thing Barty Crouch never understood. What?" she asked; many of the students were staring at her in horror. No one raised their hands, so she shrugged. "Well, on with the lesson. Please take out your books. Yes, Miss Granger?"

"Which ones?"

"The Defense Against the Dark Arts ones. Why?"

"You made us get over thirty books, and most of them are fiction."

"I did? Let me see your reading list. No, wait, I've got my own." Nagini began to read it. "Fifty Shades of Grey - why did I assign that? - The Eye of the World by Robert Jordan; The Great Hunt by Robert Jordan; the . . . oh, damn, I made you all get the entire series. Forgot to say it was extra credit." Nagini jumped up and scrawled 'Extra Credit' across the board. "Write this down, kids."

_Extra Credit_

_Write detailed Wheel of Time porn, preferably not with Rand. Lanfear bashing gets extra points._

_Bring in a dead werewolf_

_Bring in a live werewolf_

_Bring in a half-transformed half-dead werewolf_

_The above three apply for Animagi too, but more points for a werewolf_

"Got that, everyone?" Nagini asked cheerily. The entire class was glaring at her. "What?"

"That's sick," Harry said. "Werewolves are people too."

"They're more human than you!" someone shouted. Nagini looked nonplussed at that.

"Well yeah, of course werewolves are more human than me. I never _was_ human. And no, Harry, actually werewolves aren't people. They're werewolves. They -"

"That doesn't mean they deserve to be treated worse than us!" Harry shouted. Ah, teenage angst.

"I . . . never said that."

"You literally just said to bring a dying werewolf to class for extra credit."

"I didn't _say_ it, Mr. Potter, I wrote it. Ten points from Gryffindor for incorrect use of the word 'literally.'"

"Thanks, Harry," Hermione muttered.

"And werewolves taste good," Nagini said, as if that settled the matter. "Class dismissed."

"Dumbledore," Severus said pleadingly, "I understand you were charmed by Nagini's ability to pick her nose with her toe, but please don't try to do the same . . . Headmaster, you're wearing robes . . . oh god . . ."

**This might become a multi-chapter fic if reviews tell me to do so, but only one or two more chapters. Reviews!**


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